Being a good Muslim wife
Striving to be a good Muslim wife? While no one can be perfect (at least not all the time!) we can strive to be amazing; the wife he can’t wait to come home to, and who he’ll happily boast about to his friends and colleagues. That’s pretty close to perfect, right? The key to a happy and successful marriage is good communication and understanding one another’s needs, which is easier said than done, especially on bad days.
It never occurs, as a wife, that he might be coming home tired and weary, having had a rough day at work. He might just want to sit down and talk about his day or just want a little time to himself.
Clearly we all have our ups and downs as well, and it is only fair that we share them. However, sometimes we forget our husbands.
Women find it easy to say that he did not do this or he did not do that. They forget that, if we are at home with or without kids, he is at work where problems may be occurring as well.
It is so important to communicate with each other and understand each other in a relationship.
Often we will just see their issues as something they can deal with because they are men.
Please don’t misunderstand. As working women, it can be exactly the same for women. However, the purpose of the article is to get across the guy’s point of view. Also, the idea is to help you to become a better wife.
Purpose of this article
Often articles are written from the respective of what a woman wants. But today we wanted to write about how to be a good Muslim wife to your husband.
So what exactly does a Muslim man want from his wife? Some of these things might not sit well you, but try to think with an open mind.
Women have needs as well. But so do men. Maybe we should start to consider them without getting upset. As not only will you be an amazing wife to your husband, you will also be rewarded for it.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: It was said: O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said: “The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything with regard to herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.”
It is important to realise that there are things guys want as well, sometimes things that we neglect to see! So, how do you become a good hijabi wife? Here are ten ways you can be a better wife and create a more harmonious home for both of you.
10 Tips on being a good Muslim wife
Each tip is meant to help you become a good Muslim wife, improve yourself in the relevant areas and help your marriage to thrive in the long term.
1. Respect & Loyalty
This is one of the most overlooked characteristics. The first thing you can do in how to be a good Muslim wife to your husband is to give them respect and loyalty.
Men want to know that their wives respect them. In most Muslim households’ men are brought up as breadwinners and heads of the family. This is a fact whether you like it or not, and rearing your feminist head just does not help.
It doesn’t make you less as a person or him more. But it definitely helps him feel a whole lot more manly!
Can you imagine how frustrated a man would become if he was constantly trying to provide for you and he got shunned away for his efforts?
He needs your respect so that he knows that at the end of the day you appreciate what you are doing for him. Without respect, he will gradually shift away.
The Quran says: “Men are in charge of women by what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard.” (4, 34)
Loyalty is just as important for a husband. If the going gets tough he needs to know you’re by his side and will support him. Not taunt him and try and ensure his reputation is tarnished or his honour is attacked.
Both loyalty and respect are earned by giving it. If you’re not willing to make that effort don’t expect it in return.
Respect & loyalty can keep a marriage going long after the initial buzz of marriage has dampened down. If you respect each other and are loyal, then you are likely to make the marriage work in the long term.
Without respect and loyalty, there is no marriage, so make sure you’re consciously creating a home and marriage where there is a lot of respect and loyalty for one another. Show him your respect by understanding his needs when he goes out to work. Also, ensure he sees all the hard work you put into your home and any children you have. Of course, being an advocate for yourself in the marriage is important, but don’t cause arguments unnecessarily. Try to create time for the two of you to be together to talk and this will naturally create more respect in the relationship.
Men want intelligent women. This does not mean you need to be PhD qualified (though they might want that as well).
Nor does it mean you need to go back to school or university to get a degree, it simply means that you should try to be someone who loves to learn more about the world.
Try to learn new and interesting things so you can discuss new topics together, and you’ll feel far more confident in yourself and your own ability to run your household.
You should also be willing to discuss issues that may concern your husband with him.
If you spent the whole day watching a tv show, had a fight with your bestie or had a rough day at work and that’s all you want to discuss, he will quickly get bored.
So in how to be an amazing Muslim wife, you need to ensure your husband connects with you, that you appreciate his thoughts.
Listen to him
He wants a wife who actually listens to him, has a creative talent or emotional intelligence.
She needs to be able to meet his intellectual level, which is sure to excite and challenge him as long as you don’t decide to overpower him in every conversation!
Maybe the next time he walks through that door try listening to him rather than just going on about how your day was. Not only will he feel loved and listened to but he will appreciate you more.
Remember, it’s fine to point out mistakes as without doing that, how will he know his wrong?
But it is also important to remember men have egos that get easily bruised. So you might want to be a tad tactful as constantly telling him he’s wrong will only end up destroying your relationship.
Always telling a man what he can do or not do is also not going to jibe well with him. Try and reach a mid-level compromise.
Try to find areas of common interest and discuss them together, so you can connect on a deeper level and appreciate one another’s intelligence. Listen to what he has to say and develop your own passions. Here are 5 amazing Muslim businesswomen to inspire you.
3. A woman that cares for the home
There are certain chores we enjoy doing, and others that we hate. But, a good Muslim wife is one who stays on top of the household chores, even those she’d rather not do. Try to schedule a time each day to tackle the household chores so you stay on top of them, and nothing becomes overwhelming for you.
A man wants a partner that makes a home for him, with love and care and who is willing to look after him.
In Saheeh al-Bukhaari bi Sharh al-‘asqallaani part 9/506 it was reported that Faatimah (ra) the daughter of the Prophet (saw) asked him for a servant. He said, “Shall I not tell you of something that is better for you than that? When you go to sleep, say Subhaan’Allaah (glory be to Allah) thirty-three times, and ‘Allaahu akbar (allah is most great) thirty four times” What is understood by this hadith is that a woman who is able to take care of her home should do so.
There are plenty of ways to make household chores a little more fun, such as listening to the radio, podcasts, an audiobook, or have YouTube or TV on in the background while you clean and tidy.
However, it is important to make a note here that this doesn’t mean that a woman has to wear herself thin. If she is working, taking care of kids and taking care of the house it can be too much.
Therefore, the responsibility also falls on the husband to make sure that his Mrs gets help. There’s no shame in getting a little help, so if you can afford it hire cleaners to do the home for you.
Cook for him
Being able to cook delicious food is one of the things that he really wants from his wife! So in how to be a good Muslim wife, you need to ply him with food! After all, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
So embrace cooking! There are tons of ways to improve your skill in the kitchen and try new things. If you find yourself cooking the same six meals, browse Pinterest for new recipes and try something new. Note down his favourite dishes so you can make them on special occasions or if you know he’s had a testing day.
If you have to make different food for your children, or if they eat earlier in the day than you’d like, try cooking separate meals for your children and for the two of you. This way, you can try new things you’ll enjoy and it creates a special time in the day for both of you.
Tip for men
Men if your reading, a fun fact for you: Women can see it as foreplay if occasionally they see you washing the dishes or cooking something.
Why? Because it shows that you’re at home, you’re maintaining the house together, you are pulling your weight…so you suddenly become highly desirable….so go on guys, roll your sleeves up.
4. He thinks about other women
Face it, girls, it doesn’t matter how hard you try, men will look at other women. All men do. They can’t help themselves, it’s a malfunction of their genes.
Seriously though, It’s just a fact of life that during their life period they will look at other women
What does this mean for you?
Do you start to wonder if he looking to cheat on you? Is he looking to get another wife? or is he fantasising about another woman?
Not really, it’s just a simple case of them considering another woman in their lives and then they most likely dismiss the thought.
Men also love to make reference to being allowed four wives, they love to rub it in because it makes them happy to see you jealous! It’s their little fun, and the anger it causes makes them feel loved.
Of course, they fail to realise, four wives might be the death of him. However, if you do think its more than that, you may need to get professional help. Do take a look at our How to deal with a cheating husband article.
5. He wants sex and more sex (halal sex mind you!)
You might think he is a sex obsessed fiend, but the truth is men desire sex. Not a little. A lot. This might not sit well with you but it’s just the way it is.
As a woman, this is your ultimate power, and one of the best ways in how to be an amazing Muslim wife it is the one thing that makes you the most desirable thing for a man.
It is why men go out and commit so much sin. The aim of a Muslim marriage is to fulfil this need of a man whilst for a woman it’s her emotional needs.
If you can keep your husband happy and satisfied he in return will be pleased with you and want to make you happy. (it works both ways!)
For years this is an area that Muslims have for years shied away from, and in a lot of cultures discussing it was looked down on.
But women need to be educated on this, as this is one of the strongest requirements in a marriage.
Strong sexual drive
Women don’t realise men have a strong sexual drive. Therefore their constant desire for sex can put them off. So giving excuses like “I have a headache”, “can’t you wait till the weekend” or “I am not in the mood” will put your husband in a bad mood. He will switch off and in a bad mood.
Even in western cultures if a man is declined sex he will become surly
“For some men, sex may be their primary way of communicating and expressing intimacy,” says Justin Lehmiller, a Harvard University social psychologist who studies sexuality. Taking away sex “takes away their primary emotional outlet.”
This leads to a build-up of resentment and if it happens a few times can lead to him becoming reserved and gradually he may start to fall out of love if it happens a lot.
Please keep in mind the following hadith
“When a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond and he (the husband) spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning” (Bukhari and Muslim).
Find new and interesting ways to please each other in the bedroom! Only you will know your husband’s libido (some men want it a lot, others just from time to time – just like women) so have fun in there and please one another!
For years this has been an area of marriage Muslims have shied away from talking about, but it’s so important to discuss because it’s a key area of marriage and both man and woman need to be satisfied in the relationship.
So, if he wants to have sex more frequently than you, find out what it is that you don’t enjoy – would slowing down and having more foreplay help? It can be difficult at first, but open a dialogue about what’s going on in the bedroom, discuss likes and dislikes, and work to please each other in there, too.
If you’re not sure where to start or how to start the conversation, our Halal Sex Guide is a great place to start.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an, 30:21)
6. He wants you to be happy and he loves you
Believe it or not, he does actually want to make you happy. Occasionally it might not seem like it, because as women we can be emotional fools and want constant attention.
Men, unfortunately, are not geared that way! They like to make money so that they can spend on you and the family, they like to get you gifts because they care.
Occasionally they screw up badly. Like forgetting our wedding anniversary. But then most men do, so can you really single out yours?
When your husband buys you a gift, show your appreciation by wearing it or using it. Thank him for it and show him how much it means to you.
Don’t nag him if it does not want you wanted as it will only make him feel down and make him feel you’re not respecting him.
He does love you
This is one very good tip on how to be a good wife. Let’s get this next fact out in the open. Your husband does love you, whether he shows it or not. Men do not find it easy to show emotion. Unless it is politics, scientific nonsense you don’t want to listen to or sports.
Just because he doesn’t say I love you all the time doesn’t mean he no longer loves you. Or never did in the first place!
He is also human, he has a heart and he has tons of feelings for you which come out through how he cares for you.
If he treats you nicely, never abuses you, never sleeps around (apart from in your imagination! – come on admit it, usually it’s our worst fear). Remember:
- If he helps you with your problems or helps you with the problems of your family
- Or if he goes out of the way to see that you’re not upset and helps you to grow by getting you involved in things
Then there is a big fat chance he loves you a lot.
7. Be a better Muslim
Nobody’s perfect. You are both good for each other. Your husband will not only want you to be pious but also expect you to follow Islamic teachings.
It is good to encourage your husband to improve in religion if he is not already. You can help:
- By waking him for Fajr
- Telling him to visit or help his parents
- Telling him he would look so much better in a beard (thus fulling a Sunnah!) and more
A husband wants to know that if he is not home his wife is able to deal with every-day situations Islamically. That she will pray five times a day. That she will protect his reputation and follow the Quran and the Prophet’s Sunnah.
Being righteous ensures your husband is also a righteous man. The rewards of encouraging and helping each other to the truth and in deen will afford you the reward of Jannah by the will of Allah.
8. Be his advocate
If he knows you are behind him in his decisions, he’ll be stronger and more able to tackle the world. It’s said that behind every great man is a great woman, and this should absolutely be true in a Muslim marriage.
When times are tough, he needs to know that you stand behind him and trust him to make the best decisions for your family.
9. Take Pride in Your Appearance
Does this mean you need to be made up each and every day? Of course not, but take pride in your appearance. When going out dress up and look good. Take inspiration from our Match your hijab to your makeup guide which can help you look put together (even on those days you’d rather stay in bed). As a good Muslim wife, you should be looking good for your husband. (Same goes for him!)
10. Give Him His Space – If He Wants It
When you get in from a busy day to an empty home or your baby’s asleep in their chair, all you want to do is what? Spend a few minutes in the quiet giving yourself time to destress. When possible, if your husband works while you work at home (yes, being a stay at home mum is work too!), try to give him ten to fifteen minutes to destress before you and the kids start asking him all about his day, or telling him about yours.
It’s great to share the events of the day with someone, it’s one of the best things about being married and having a family, but your home should be a refuge, not a place they feel they escape every time they go to work. Give him some space for ten minutes, though of course if he comes to you, ask him about his day and chat away!